Life begins.
Twenty one years later still in my fetal position;
my safety condition.
I cling onto what I hold dearest; my heart.
I feel myself beat, I feel myself live.
I am enough motivation.
I am enough courage to know I won't stop.

It's been 13 days into the new year and I feel like things are moving steadily-- in a positive direction of course.

I don't have a new year's resolution that ends in failure; all I have is this body I am in and the decisions I decide to make. I'm sure I'll make some silly ones (hopefully not as bad as 2010), but I also feel that I'll make some wise and reasonable ones.

I didn't say this before, but my new year started off on a really good note. I went out on a date with a guy I had been talking to for awhile (one that is also age appropriate for me, lol). It went really well and my feelings for him have gotten stronger for the most part. He's different than other guys I've dated. He really knows what he wants and knows who he is. It's nice to have someone like that because I can be a confused little chicken. He's also the complete opposite of me in every way possible. For some reason, I'm really okay with that. It doesn't bother me at all. I enjoy that he already knows his stance on life. I don't want to change his mind and I surely don't want him to change mine.

I'm trying not to think too much about it, though at times, I find myself going into a mental frenzy. It's natural I suppose, considering I am kind of a crazy hopeless romantic. I'm just seeing where it takes me. I'm afraid, but a little fear is sometimes a good thing.

I think as a girl, we think too much. Our minds go into these whirlwind of possibilities and we tend to carry judgment with our emotions. It's irritating. I wish I could just sit back and relax, but I am constantly thinking about what will happen next. Luckily though, he is very predictable.

Right now, I'm in the process of applying to do some volunteer work and that excites me more than ever. I can't wait to get my hands busy and begin working with kids. Out of all the things I've done, I find being around kids most satisfying. They irritate you like no other, but at the same time, you learn how to handle it all. I'm too pumped!

I think 2010 was probably the most horrible year I have been through. I made some dumbass decisions.

In a box of multicultural crayons,
my skin tone is more of a sepia.
Coloring my differences, I know I'm different.
I don't have to drink from a separate fountain to know that.
And I don't have to color up an ignorant term
and ignorantly use it as a mean of endearment
to prove that I'm only 12% of a people.

I've been trying to write something meaningful for awhile, but I haven't really found my inner peace to expose something real. People say to write when your emotions are raw; that hurts too much. I digs too deep and it's too much for me to handle.

I haven't been happy for awhile now. There are flickers of the happy flame, but it always blows out before it gets strong enough to burn on its own. I'm at the stage where I'm realizing that I'll always be alone.

My desire to be loved is strong, but my desire to be understood is much more than that. No one really understands me. People don't have time to. And I'll admit, I'm not the easiest person to accept. I'm crazy. But I'd appreciate a willingness to try to get to know me. But again, I'm coming to terms with the fact that I don't think I'll ever meet someone who will understand and love me for who I am.

Alone. I need to understand that. I'm in this bed alone. I'm alone in this body. Alone is the flaw of the soul.

"I just needed time alone with my own thoughts.
I got treasures in my mind but couldn't open up my own vault."

There are days when I need to be alone to meditate and think about my life. It's not anything in particular, it's a process I go through to help me figure things out. I enjoy time with myself; it allows me really get a grasp of where I am going and where I am headed. It's a journey I'd rather do on my own.

I cry. I get depressed. I get sad. I get angry. I dance. I sing. I sleep. I cuddle with myself. It's all a process. It's temporary and it has everything to do with me.

I think all the time. I analyze everything that comes my way. I think about relationships and the intense emotions I hold to the people I love dearly. I think mostly about how to improve myself and the way I treat others. Sometimes, I get really dissatisfied with myself and my behavior. It only adds fuel to my instability at this time. I'm extremely judgmental of myself and my actions.

Lately, I haven't been performing at my best and I've been beating myself up about it. It really affects me and the way I treat others. When I'm mad at myself, I talk to no one. It has nothing to do with anyone, I just get so caught up in the depths of my mind and the issues I need to solve that I focus all of my energy on that. It's a healing process. Even I can't explain the raw feelings I go through because they change often. Sometimes, I can't even let myself in, I get so scared.

I'm afraid of how intense my emotions are that I rest on it. I rest on my dreams, ignoring the problems I have with myself. It's really difficult to let people in because I don't trust a lot of people with my feelings. They don't understand and are too selfish to make the effort. But despite that, I don't blame them. I don't even trust myself most of the time because I'm so busy ignoring them and putting them aside because I feel they're not important. How can anyone understand the way I feel when I don't even care? I often prioritize other people's emotions and thoughts before my own. I figure out how to make them feel better or how to make them happier when I'm not even happy myself. When I come to that realization, I take time out to acknowledge the things I've been holding onto and I either let them go or I deal with it head on.

Sure, these personal issues usually have to do with the people in my life, but it's more of a personal effort I put myself through in order to improve my soul. When I meditate and spend time with me, in the end, I'm improving and I come out a better person and therefore, I allow myself to be more positive. When I am positive, I am a better friend, sister, daughter, student, lover, etc. and when I am good to others, it makes me happier.

Today wasn't particularly a good day for me. I really needed me and I was too busy dealing with other things that invaded my time. It wasn't until later that I just couldn't handle it anymore. The past few weeks had been stressful and I was battling with a depressed state I was ignoring in order to please someone else. My emotions finally caught up with me and I just started bawling in my room. So I just really needed to think about my situation and ignore all outside forces. I'm still sad. I don't really know what to do, but I'm just disappointed I let it get this far.

I can't fake my emotions and I hate people seeing me vulnerable and upset. I guess that's all I should say.

I am

40% reality and 60% imagination
Every doze into day ponders my relation
to what I deem tangible and what I see as fact
I live to dream and dream to live, it's as simple as that.

Slowly creeping up to me is the non existent
Delusions and night terrors are things I fail to mention
Scaring me through my reality they co exist with my fears
The things I cannot bear, the things I cannot hear.

My eyes see a different story than what you tell me
Engineering outcomes constructed from my dreams
Building on what I've gathered on my impressions
And creating a life for you when you close your eyes, Inception.