"I just needed time alone with my own thoughts.
I got treasures in my mind but couldn't open up my own vault."

There are days when I need to be alone to meditate and think about my life. It's not anything in particular, it's a process I go through to help me figure things out. I enjoy time with myself; it allows me really get a grasp of where I am going and where I am headed. It's a journey I'd rather do on my own.

I cry. I get depressed. I get sad. I get angry. I dance. I sing. I sleep. I cuddle with myself. It's all a process. It's temporary and it has everything to do with me.

I think all the time. I analyze everything that comes my way. I think about relationships and the intense emotions I hold to the people I love dearly. I think mostly about how to improve myself and the way I treat others. Sometimes, I get really dissatisfied with myself and my behavior. It only adds fuel to my instability at this time. I'm extremely judgmental of myself and my actions.

Lately, I haven't been performing at my best and I've been beating myself up about it. It really affects me and the way I treat others. When I'm mad at myself, I talk to no one. It has nothing to do with anyone, I just get so caught up in the depths of my mind and the issues I need to solve that I focus all of my energy on that. It's a healing process. Even I can't explain the raw feelings I go through because they change often. Sometimes, I can't even let myself in, I get so scared.

I'm afraid of how intense my emotions are that I rest on it. I rest on my dreams, ignoring the problems I have with myself. It's really difficult to let people in because I don't trust a lot of people with my feelings. They don't understand and are too selfish to make the effort. But despite that, I don't blame them. I don't even trust myself most of the time because I'm so busy ignoring them and putting them aside because I feel they're not important. How can anyone understand the way I feel when I don't even care? I often prioritize other people's emotions and thoughts before my own. I figure out how to make them feel better or how to make them happier when I'm not even happy myself. When I come to that realization, I take time out to acknowledge the things I've been holding onto and I either let them go or I deal with it head on.

Sure, these personal issues usually have to do with the people in my life, but it's more of a personal effort I put myself through in order to improve my soul. When I meditate and spend time with me, in the end, I'm improving and I come out a better person and therefore, I allow myself to be more positive. When I am positive, I am a better friend, sister, daughter, student, lover, etc. and when I am good to others, it makes me happier.

Today wasn't particularly a good day for me. I really needed me and I was too busy dealing with other things that invaded my time. It wasn't until later that I just couldn't handle it anymore. The past few weeks had been stressful and I was battling with a depressed state I was ignoring in order to please someone else. My emotions finally caught up with me and I just started bawling in my room. So I just really needed to think about my situation and ignore all outside forces. I'm still sad. I don't really know what to do, but I'm just disappointed I let it get this far.

I can't fake my emotions and I hate people seeing me vulnerable and upset. I guess that's all I should say.