In a box of multicultural crayons,
my skin tone is more of a sepia.
Coloring my differences, I know I'm different.
I don't have to drink from a separate fountain to know that.
And I don't have to color up an ignorant term
and ignorantly use it as a mean of endearment
to prove that I'm only 12% of a people.

I've been trying to write something meaningful for awhile, but I haven't really found my inner peace to expose something real. People say to write when your emotions are raw; that hurts too much. I digs too deep and it's too much for me to handle.

I haven't been happy for awhile now. There are flickers of the happy flame, but it always blows out before it gets strong enough to burn on its own. I'm at the stage where I'm realizing that I'll always be alone.

My desire to be loved is strong, but my desire to be understood is much more than that. No one really understands me. People don't have time to. And I'll admit, I'm not the easiest person to accept. I'm crazy. But I'd appreciate a willingness to try to get to know me. But again, I'm coming to terms with the fact that I don't think I'll ever meet someone who will understand and love me for who I am.

Alone. I need to understand that. I'm in this bed alone. I'm alone in this body. Alone is the flaw of the soul.

"I just needed time alone with my own thoughts.
I got treasures in my mind but couldn't open up my own vault."

There are days when I need to be alone to meditate and think about my life. It's not anything in particular, it's a process I go through to help me figure things out. I enjoy time with myself; it allows me really get a grasp of where I am going and where I am headed. It's a journey I'd rather do on my own.

I cry. I get depressed. I get sad. I get angry. I dance. I sing. I sleep. I cuddle with myself. It's all a process. It's temporary and it has everything to do with me.

I think all the time. I analyze everything that comes my way. I think about relationships and the intense emotions I hold to the people I love dearly. I think mostly about how to improve myself and the way I treat others. Sometimes, I get really dissatisfied with myself and my behavior. It only adds fuel to my instability at this time. I'm extremely judgmental of myself and my actions.

Lately, I haven't been performing at my best and I've been beating myself up about it. It really affects me and the way I treat others. When I'm mad at myself, I talk to no one. It has nothing to do with anyone, I just get so caught up in the depths of my mind and the issues I need to solve that I focus all of my energy on that. It's a healing process. Even I can't explain the raw feelings I go through because they change often. Sometimes, I can't even let myself in, I get so scared.

I'm afraid of how intense my emotions are that I rest on it. I rest on my dreams, ignoring the problems I have with myself. It's really difficult to let people in because I don't trust a lot of people with my feelings. They don't understand and are too selfish to make the effort. But despite that, I don't blame them. I don't even trust myself most of the time because I'm so busy ignoring them and putting them aside because I feel they're not important. How can anyone understand the way I feel when I don't even care? I often prioritize other people's emotions and thoughts before my own. I figure out how to make them feel better or how to make them happier when I'm not even happy myself. When I come to that realization, I take time out to acknowledge the things I've been holding onto and I either let them go or I deal with it head on.

Sure, these personal issues usually have to do with the people in my life, but it's more of a personal effort I put myself through in order to improve my soul. When I meditate and spend time with me, in the end, I'm improving and I come out a better person and therefore, I allow myself to be more positive. When I am positive, I am a better friend, sister, daughter, student, lover, etc. and when I am good to others, it makes me happier.

Today wasn't particularly a good day for me. I really needed me and I was too busy dealing with other things that invaded my time. It wasn't until later that I just couldn't handle it anymore. The past few weeks had been stressful and I was battling with a depressed state I was ignoring in order to please someone else. My emotions finally caught up with me and I just started bawling in my room. So I just really needed to think about my situation and ignore all outside forces. I'm still sad. I don't really know what to do, but I'm just disappointed I let it get this far.

I can't fake my emotions and I hate people seeing me vulnerable and upset. I guess that's all I should say.

I am

40% reality and 60% imagination
Every doze into day ponders my relation
to what I deem tangible and what I see as fact
I live to dream and dream to live, it's as simple as that.

Slowly creeping up to me is the non existent
Delusions and night terrors are things I fail to mention
Scaring me through my reality they co exist with my fears
The things I cannot bear, the things I cannot hear.

My eyes see a different story than what you tell me
Engineering outcomes constructed from my dreams
Building on what I've gathered on my impressions
And creating a life for you when you close your eyes, Inception.

It's difficult to go through a transition in your life let alone doing so with an emotionally vulnerable roommate. No matter how selfish people think I am, I always set my emotions aside to please others and make them happy. At the end of the day, I'm moody and I'll get over what's hurt my feelings, but when there is pain that involves someone else, I make it my priority to invest myself in helping to alleviate the issue.

Though it may bring me down and in turn, make me just as depressed, I really feel the pressure. It hurts. You may think I don't understand but I do. I will not allow my friend to mope around and think too much about things that are toxic. That isn't the way to deal with an issue. It gets difficult sometimes, I know that, but the thing is that you have to remain optimistic and not worry about things you can't control.

I was thinking on the bus yesterday. The world works in the most beautiful way. It's the only perfect thing to me. Every day, the earth delicately orbits around the sun, moving in such a manner that we never take time to realize. We take our world fore granted, never appreciating how hard our habitat works to establish order. As much as we abuse the world, it never ceases to stay aligned with it's goals. The sun rises and it sets and we wish that we had more time. We have more than enough time. More than enough time to get our lives in order and wish that things were better. But we hardly take time out to really sit and think about how wonderful being alive is in a perfect world.

Anyway, the point I'm getting at is that all these factors we add in our lives really distracts us from what is important and what really makes us feel alive. I feel that in today's society, we often feel bad more than happy. We don't put in enough effort to allow ourselves to be happy and appreciate what we have. Instead we focus on what makes us hurt the most and let that determine how our days go. Of course it is okay to feel pain and hurt, but when you let it take control of your happiness and your appreciativeness is when life can turn for the worst.

Sure, the issue is still there and it's going to stay there until the world figures it out. So let it figure it out and don't worry about how horrible it is. Because really, it isn't. Sadness is inevitable, but it is also temporary. Don't let it take control of you. Always know that you are living no matter what the results of the days go. The sun always rises and sets for you. Take time to really love and appreciate being alive.

Life for me is at somewhat of a standstill. I never thought I'd be in a situation where I felt as if the background was moving much faster than my thoughts. I need to catch up. But that is me. Doing more than I can handle. Either I can do it or I can't.

I hope this year, I can figure it all out and work towards my goal of doing something amazing to help the world.

As I steadily get my schedule in order for what is no doubt going to be a hectic year, I look back at how my life has changed this past summer break. A lot has actually. Some things that still amaze me to this day.

But what i wanted to discuss was the caring support of someone that barely knows me. Someone who isn't judgmental and just accepts me for who I am, no strings attached. I love the way it feels when I'm with them. My world slows down and it all begins to make sense. I can easily put things together whenever I'm around them. It feels good.

I really don't want to let it go but I know that one day, I'll get over this phase and will have to. Leaving though, with plenty of life lessons learned and no regrets. And they will understand exactly what I will go through and let me go with high hopes and praises for me. I love that about them.

Letting go is inevitable, but who said it had to be right away?

I feel good. I feel happy. I feel stressed. I feel incomplete. I feel content. I feel like a headache is swirling around. But these are all positive feelings that will improve my life.

I hope your childhood was as precious as my own.
My inspiration comes from gummy bears and licorice,
laying down feet dangling on the carpet of creativity.
Colors crashed together to create my endless rainbow on construction paper,
puzzles jigged in the right spots where I saw the bigger picture,
and footprints dancing across the room were evidence of a day well spent.

The swing is where I first saw the world up high;
breathing in the air that the trees exhaled for me
looking down on my playground heaven,
I vowed then and there to love the world forever.
I smile at the day I fell in love with life underneath the clouds
and above my feet I wished to stay mid air forever.

Instead I got taller and a little less wise,
but I've been told that I'll gain that back when I get older.
Still eating gummy bears,
not so sure of what I'll do after I finish.
So I'll keep on munching on these delicious animal delicacies
until I figure out what to do with my love, my life, underneath the clouds.

Me

I'm not clear on where I'm headed.
I just know I want to help others as much as I can.
I remember my mom telling me to, and I decided to stick with it.
I'm very selfish and slightly manipulative when things don't go my way.
I make decisions based on my emotions.
I read people too much.
I think too too far behind.
I like cookies n cream ice cream.
I cry when I'm overwhelmed.
I cry when I'm happy.
I get hurt over the littlest things people say.
I am a baby.
I really enjoy wet sand between my toes.
I love cuddling and I am a sucker for kisses.
I touch people too much, including myself.
I am really shy and I get so nervous I shake all the time.
I can sing but I get nervous.
I really just enjoy walking for the hell of it.
I can never finish anything I start.
And with that being said, I'll continue this later.

Your voice spills out of the mouth
with no inclination of how it affects me.
Deep and resounding,
demanding my attention like an SOS.
I am the only one who can respond;
listening attentively to the vibrations within your throat,
though I have no words to say.

Silence is the medicine,
my ears are your remedy.
Nothing needs to be said,
just a heart that is willing
to knock on the door
of a broken man,
whose faint murmur
can be resuscitated
by my entrance in his chamber.

I've made my choice. :)

You, it's you. Love is a beautiful thing. I finally feel it. I love you.

I am sitting here bored reminiscing of what was last week. A lovely affair, I'll miss it. I'll miss him very soon.

As if my love life couldn't get any sweeter and sour, I am stuck between two guys who are both way too amazing and old for me.

I know who I'd choose in a heartbeat though....

I have a phobia of rejection and lights not switching on.

Clear my mind, body, and soul;
replenish it with the the freshest water.
I let it all go to my head,
I let every emotion tangled with love manifest and wrap around my frontal lobe.

I keep everything in my mind.
I refuse to release what's old and outdated;
it has made me who I am;
A cluttered catastrophe.

Humans think too much,
but we feel as if we don't think enough.
Constantly searching in dark alleyways for what's in front of our faces
and blinded with a velvet cloth over our eyes to answers that don't need explanations

I hope to stop caring.
I want no more morals that prevent me from...
overcoming the fear of lights not turning on.
and nonsensical scenarios that flash flood my brain.

Totally just in one of those funky moods where I just need to cry.

I just want to be by myself and cry.

I hate the way my emotions take over sometimes. It drives me mad. I think too much and I just so caught up and too involved with my feelings. I wish I wasn't this way. I feel so bipolar and crazy. I just want to be normal and not be so invested and attached to people. It is really exhausting to try so hard to commit to something that isn't even proper. I always get caught up in these positions where I feel so broken in the end. I know tomorrow I'll feel better about it but I just have to stop beating myself up over what has already happened. I shouldn't overanalyze the things people write or say to me.

Is it human nature that we make things more difficult than they seem?
Why does life persist to throw obstacles in our way or are they creations of our own reckless minds?
Should I be worried about something I don't know about?
And should I care about events that have already occurred?
Philosophical masters of the world can't even find answers to the questions we seek.
And it's much too difficult to figure it out on our own.
There is no proof to anything.
We can research all we want
but at the end of the day, life is just a variable in an equation we can't seem to find the solution to.

I am at the edge of my depressing state. I don't want to be here. Euphoria has hit an all time high and I am realizing how much of my life I am not living. I desire to be alone all the time as of late. I have been telling untruths to people I care for deeply all because of my selfish behavior.

Last Wednesday felt good. I was in complete euphoria. Thursday was even better. Never have I felt such happiness constantly in a span of two days with two different people. They cannot be compared. They cannot compete with one another because both are on different levels of what makes me happy.

If I could mesh the two together I would. But this is me being selfish again.

Today my happiness has been deflated. And my happy high has now drastically fallen and I just feel super depressed. Similar to a drug, I want more. I want more of what makes me happy. Though lying is not the best way to achieve my happiness. Another reason why I should feel horrible. Keeping secrets takes a toll on my mental and emotional health.

This is the day where I wish I was beautiful. Where I wish I felt as if I had more confidence to go out and live my life to the fullest.

I hate being in these phases where I just feel so depressed....

Thoughts on Friday

I don't care much about the judgment of others. It bothers me that most of my decisions have been based on what other people than rather than what I think is rational and good for me. I am happy right now and that's all that matters. If in the end, things don't work out and I get hurt, then so be it. It's all a part of life's plan. Love is such a powerful thing. I'm just going where it tells me to go instead of figuring it out. Because, I never will. Lust is a part of love. Of course there will be physical attraction to someone you want to get to know more. But consensual agreement is what is most important. Communicate/trust is what is necessary and the comfort that the person laying in your arms is not going to hurt you. Sometimes, I may be blinded and naive, but I feel like I am making the smartest decisions right now when I'm just going with the flow and doing what I want with the person I adore.

Thoughts for Today

I miss him. Perhaps too much. I just wanted to write in down to lower my obsession. I miss his voice. It's so optimistic and it brings me absolute bliss.

He says to just enjoy the moment but it's difficult for me. I think too much. But I am definitely loving right now and I hope that things stay the way they are for a long time. It's going to be hard next year, but I will make it work. I hope.

My memory slips through my fingers slowly like grains of sand.
My thought process is steadily losing velocity,
barely remembering the moments I hold so dear.
I can't keep up,
the path laid in front of me is one I lose track of.
Selective amnesia may have something to do with this perhaps.
What is wrong with this picture?
I see it but I just can't grasp the meaning behind it.
So I keep it, only for it to be ignored and eventually forgotten in the depth of my mind
I decline to a downward spiral,
barely holding steady of mental heirlooms I hold so dear,
like finger paint projects from my kinder years.
I'm trying to see what fits, trying to see what works,
I cannot even remember what I'm worth.
Penniless and poor.
I'm not sure of what I held on to before.

Thoughts for Today

I spent five days with someone I can't tell anyone about. He is my secret. But I am so happy I want to scream it out loud to the entire world! I've been thinking of anyone I could tell it to, (I mean he told one of his friends) but no one comes to mind. I know they will judge and I know they'll feel uncomfortable about the entire ordeal. So I'll just keep it to myself I guess.

It upsets me though because he is such an amazing guy. Ugh, I always get involved in these situations. I feel like I'll never learn.

I am happy to be back home but right now, I'd rather be up there with him holding me in his arms and rocking me to sleep. I am a girl in love. I have nothing else to say.

Thoughts of the Day

I took you out of my life for a reason. Don't send me messages through facebook with hopes to re-connect. How tacky and inconsiderate. As if you expect me to reply graciously with open arms. I'm the happiest I've ever been since YOU left 4 years ago, which was probably the best thing you've ever done for me in my entire life. There is a reason I did not give you any of my contact information, so please, act as if you never had a daughter. Thanks.

I bought a 3 musketeer, but I am waiting to eat it after I pack all of my things and move my stuff. Talk about motivation. It's quite sad.

I really need to move this mini fridge to my apartment. I am gonna call a taxi to see if the driver can help me out.

Hopefully I get to see him tonight! That will make my day! :D

My tongue is twisted in a desperate plea,
begging the answers to questions that are lost in translation.
I don't understand how this turned into a battle with words!
My thoughts were tied up and thrown out of your ears.

A blunder, a mistake was all that this was.
Simple scotch tape can't fix this unrepairable damage.
I lost something special that I can never return or exchange.
Verbal apologies will never make you forget what I've already said.

My morals have been lost in the masses.

I can't finish... :(

A war is nothing but peace pent up inside of an angry man.
The refusal to let it out creates a monster that cares too much,
biting and clawing for the cause, he sees nothing but the end of the tunnel
destroying everything in his way for a better effect.
Unknown to him, he is hurting more than helping
and creating chaos instead of bringing beauty into this world.

Simple Creature/Complex Monster

We are simple creatures,

born into a world we’ll never understand.

curiosity is the ink,

that helps us write these questions

about living in a place we can't even begin to comprehend.

The small details that outline this paper of events to come

will only be but a burden in our desire to know the future.

Because what is happening now is already old news

and what’s happened in the past has been thrown to waste.


I am a complex monster,

stuck in the middle of my analysis of the world.

My fingers trace across this lifetime,

feeling for the ridges of the next sign,

hoping to find some sort of clue.

I am begging for the answer to life’s mathematical complexities,

so many variables come to play in this jungle gymnasium

and all I have in this equation is just me, no one else.

A single entity that will always figure things out on her own.


A simple mind in a complex world?

Or this simple earth with a complex girl?

That is the question....

Thoughts of the Day

I missed yesterday. Hopefully, I can make it up for today.

It seems like the more I want him, the more the days go slower. I just want to leave this hell hole of a place I work for. They frustrate me and make me unhappy. An unhappy Bree is not one to be toyed with.

I'm trying really hard not to press on subjects that are not my concern. I care, but I'm learning that it's up to the person to let me into their lives. It's a part of my non-judgement resolution I made last year and I am still sticking to it.

Things that mattered to me in my life don't matter to me anymore. The things I worried about have no meaning to me and therefore I stopped giving a shit.

I don't like being told "no" or "don't do this". I'm going to do it anyway, let me figure out things on my own and decide what's good for me.

I am also bossy and manipulative. These are flaws I can't deal with. I like things to go my way. I'll reason with you if I feel like it. My manipulative nature is something I am learning to control. -_-

I am having financial issues but that's always the way it is over the summer. This time I really need some help though. I've become used to living a posh lifestyle.

Back to working. Kill me.

Poemas

I'm not sure if I believe in God.
Not because I haven't seen Him,
But because I'm not certain if I am worthy just yet.
Who knows when it will happen,
Who knows when I will prove myself?
The hands that have created this world is what I have yet to understand.

They say to feel love, you must first feel pain.
But to what degree?
When will I feel that unsettling feeling that will leave me in constant tears?
And how will I escape from it?
I have been hurt before,
But I don't think it is enough.
I have felt more pleasure than agony,
So much that I have lost count of my blessings.

And I never wonder if this is God communicating with me,
Telling me that what I am doing are good deeds,
Because I am not the only one in this world who suffers from happiness.
Instead I question His motives,
I question His character,
But most of all, I question His choices,
Wondering if all the lucky coins in my jar on the shelf were meant for me.

------------

And when you find me breaking the sky in two,
know that I've always loved you.
Creating the colors the sunset brings
onto my canvas of a dream,
Fallen into my lap like a random leaf,
I now know you are the one for me.

Old Poems

Can she make up her mind?
She's indecisive in a world with the rings a dings
and the blinding light of her LED screen.
That phone attached to her hip
is also attached to her sticky fingers
which type informal English

It's so easy to not know what to say
And it's so hard to be politically correct nowadays.
She sits with her T9 at the ready,
Hoping that her phone will spell out something meaningful.
For her, she's figuring out the world that's literally in the palm of her hand,
But to him it's just a message he'll probably never reply to.

She waits for what seems like generations,
but won't text back for fear of being too needy
like the phones stuffed in the back pocket of every blue jeans dream.
If we live in such a high speed rapid motorola highway,
then why is it so difficult for her to just dial his number?

Because she's afraid of awkward hello's
that slur out of mouths slowly.
As if calling a person is forbidden
and spilling your feelings through speech is unnatural.
And finally after minutes of waiting, a new text message pops up on the screen
only to find out his one worded reply is simply 'hey'.

Just hey.

----------------------------

My pockets are filled with loose nickels and dimes
But I am still scrounging around for change.
It's never enough, I never have enough though my purse is filled with bus transfers
And a pen that wants to write down everything I am thinking but am too afraid to say.
See, I wish that you could see me
In my most desperate moment.
This is the part where I know where I'm going,
But I still feel lost.

I have decided to walk
Because I am poor, but also because I'd like to clear my mind.
I just want you to know that I am taking a step off the curb
And into the street where their eyes are watching me impatiently as I cross.
I have only 10 seconds left, I feel so rushed!
If only time slowed down
And flowed with the music I am listening to that is helping me with my anxiety.

And music is such a beautiful person.
I want to heal the world the way she has for me.
And I think I want to be a singer
Because I can kinda sing,
But with enough practice, I can become great!
And with enough confidence, I can sing better than Beyonce!

All I need is confidence.
To be a singer,
To cross the street,
And to utter these words I've been meaning to tell you for awhile...


I love you.

---------------------------

Thoughts of the Day

On the scale of life, I lean more towards happiness. Things occur in such an abrupt manner, I don't know what to think of it. I suppose that is how it happens. I try to be patient but I am realizing that I simply can't wait.

Action is synonymous with now at the age of nineteen. I feel more mature about decisions and I feel less regret. Maybe it's the fact that I don't care as much of what people think.

Rather than finish my last paper, I am going to pull an all nighter instead. I love living life on the edge.

I really want to color right now. I feel like too much of an adult and I don't like it. Don't get me wrong, but sometimes, I just need to go outside the lines of maturity.

My goal this month is to be stress free. These past two weeks have drained the life out of me. I want to pick up a new hobby and stay dedicated.

One of my friends recently came out. I always admire the ones who are courageous. For a really long time I've questioned my beliefs on sexuality and what I am fond of. It is only today that I've learned that it really doesn't matter. I can love anyone if I put my heart and soul into it.

I really want to go back to where I was yesterday. I felt peaceful there and nothing I stressed about mattered. As I stepped back into reality, it hit me hard and I instantly became a hermit crab, locked inside of my room as I had been before. I dislike that I am so attached.

I don't cry when I am sad. I cry when I am happy. I shed a few tears last night. :)

Phases keep me winded,
like the toy race car you found in your cereal box this morning.
A twist towards the left
and I am zooming past your cavity bowl of chocolatey goodness.

Phases are only temporary;
I think I can grab a hold of your attention by the collar,
I can steal your silent moments away,
and scream to disrupt your peaceful day thoughts.

Phases tell me when to leave.
Like the awkward glares towards an unwelcome guest
Their whispers are louder than red lipstick around wine glasses;
their intentions are spiteful and meant to cut deeply.

Phases, phases, phases.
I skip the details and deal with the inevitable.
It doesn't last forever
and somehow, that keeps me optimistic.

New blog. I get bored easily. So here we go!

Birds and bees swarm the old Betsy.
It's mating season and this is where they lay their home to rest.
The twigs and branches are just not enough to maintain
so the plastic grocery bags and bottle caps will suffice to sustain.

I live inside a box filled with things that don't matter.
This lifestyle isn't of any import,
I am just doing what I can to survive
a world that isn't even considered natural to me.
Simple invitations turn to complex expectations
and mandatory meetings that tell me who I am supposed to be.

We can all believe that we are unique and free
But that's only true if you're rich.
And not every one can be rich.
Because not every one can succeed.
But they tell us we can succeed.
Because giving us false hope is better than feeding us lies.
But they tell us not to lie
And we learn too late that life is full of contradictions.

So it isn't my fault if I feel like my life is screwed.
Because you're the one who insisted on optimism.
And I will continue to pass along your horrible advice to the next generation.
I will tell them things will get better and leave them to suffer on their own.
I'll let them realize that life is just as worse as you believe it is now.