I am sitting here bored reminiscing of what was last week. A lovely affair, I'll miss it. I'll miss him very soon.

As if my love life couldn't get any sweeter and sour, I am stuck between two guys who are both way too amazing and old for me.

I know who I'd choose in a heartbeat though....

I have a phobia of rejection and lights not switching on.

Clear my mind, body, and soul;
replenish it with the the freshest water.
I let it all go to my head,
I let every emotion tangled with love manifest and wrap around my frontal lobe.

I keep everything in my mind.
I refuse to release what's old and outdated;
it has made me who I am;
A cluttered catastrophe.

Humans think too much,
but we feel as if we don't think enough.
Constantly searching in dark alleyways for what's in front of our faces
and blinded with a velvet cloth over our eyes to answers that don't need explanations

I hope to stop caring.
I want no more morals that prevent me from...
overcoming the fear of lights not turning on.
and nonsensical scenarios that flash flood my brain.

Totally just in one of those funky moods where I just need to cry.

I just want to be by myself and cry.

I hate the way my emotions take over sometimes. It drives me mad. I think too much and I just so caught up and too involved with my feelings. I wish I wasn't this way. I feel so bipolar and crazy. I just want to be normal and not be so invested and attached to people. It is really exhausting to try so hard to commit to something that isn't even proper. I always get caught up in these positions where I feel so broken in the end. I know tomorrow I'll feel better about it but I just have to stop beating myself up over what has already happened. I shouldn't overanalyze the things people write or say to me.

Is it human nature that we make things more difficult than they seem?
Why does life persist to throw obstacles in our way or are they creations of our own reckless minds?
Should I be worried about something I don't know about?
And should I care about events that have already occurred?
Philosophical masters of the world can't even find answers to the questions we seek.
And it's much too difficult to figure it out on our own.
There is no proof to anything.
We can research all we want
but at the end of the day, life is just a variable in an equation we can't seem to find the solution to.

I am at the edge of my depressing state. I don't want to be here. Euphoria has hit an all time high and I am realizing how much of my life I am not living. I desire to be alone all the time as of late. I have been telling untruths to people I care for deeply all because of my selfish behavior.

Last Wednesday felt good. I was in complete euphoria. Thursday was even better. Never have I felt such happiness constantly in a span of two days with two different people. They cannot be compared. They cannot compete with one another because both are on different levels of what makes me happy.

If I could mesh the two together I would. But this is me being selfish again.

Today my happiness has been deflated. And my happy high has now drastically fallen and I just feel super depressed. Similar to a drug, I want more. I want more of what makes me happy. Though lying is not the best way to achieve my happiness. Another reason why I should feel horrible. Keeping secrets takes a toll on my mental and emotional health.

This is the day where I wish I was beautiful. Where I wish I felt as if I had more confidence to go out and live my life to the fullest.

I hate being in these phases where I just feel so depressed....

Thoughts on Friday

I don't care much about the judgment of others. It bothers me that most of my decisions have been based on what other people than rather than what I think is rational and good for me. I am happy right now and that's all that matters. If in the end, things don't work out and I get hurt, then so be it. It's all a part of life's plan. Love is such a powerful thing. I'm just going where it tells me to go instead of figuring it out. Because, I never will. Lust is a part of love. Of course there will be physical attraction to someone you want to get to know more. But consensual agreement is what is most important. Communicate/trust is what is necessary and the comfort that the person laying in your arms is not going to hurt you. Sometimes, I may be blinded and naive, but I feel like I am making the smartest decisions right now when I'm just going with the flow and doing what I want with the person I adore.