"I just needed time alone with my own thoughts.
I got treasures in my mind but couldn't open up my own vault."

There are days when I need to be alone to meditate and think about my life. It's not anything in particular, it's a process I go through to help me figure things out. I enjoy time with myself; it allows me really get a grasp of where I am going and where I am headed. It's a journey I'd rather do on my own.

I cry. I get depressed. I get sad. I get angry. I dance. I sing. I sleep. I cuddle with myself. It's all a process. It's temporary and it has everything to do with me.

I think all the time. I analyze everything that comes my way. I think about relationships and the intense emotions I hold to the people I love dearly. I think mostly about how to improve myself and the way I treat others. Sometimes, I get really dissatisfied with myself and my behavior. It only adds fuel to my instability at this time. I'm extremely judgmental of myself and my actions.

Lately, I haven't been performing at my best and I've been beating myself up about it. It really affects me and the way I treat others. When I'm mad at myself, I talk to no one. It has nothing to do with anyone, I just get so caught up in the depths of my mind and the issues I need to solve that I focus all of my energy on that. It's a healing process. Even I can't explain the raw feelings I go through because they change often. Sometimes, I can't even let myself in, I get so scared.

I'm afraid of how intense my emotions are that I rest on it. I rest on my dreams, ignoring the problems I have with myself. It's really difficult to let people in because I don't trust a lot of people with my feelings. They don't understand and are too selfish to make the effort. But despite that, I don't blame them. I don't even trust myself most of the time because I'm so busy ignoring them and putting them aside because I feel they're not important. How can anyone understand the way I feel when I don't even care? I often prioritize other people's emotions and thoughts before my own. I figure out how to make them feel better or how to make them happier when I'm not even happy myself. When I come to that realization, I take time out to acknowledge the things I've been holding onto and I either let them go or I deal with it head on.

Sure, these personal issues usually have to do with the people in my life, but it's more of a personal effort I put myself through in order to improve my soul. When I meditate and spend time with me, in the end, I'm improving and I come out a better person and therefore, I allow myself to be more positive. When I am positive, I am a better friend, sister, daughter, student, lover, etc. and when I am good to others, it makes me happier.

Today wasn't particularly a good day for me. I really needed me and I was too busy dealing with other things that invaded my time. It wasn't until later that I just couldn't handle it anymore. The past few weeks had been stressful and I was battling with a depressed state I was ignoring in order to please someone else. My emotions finally caught up with me and I just started bawling in my room. So I just really needed to think about my situation and ignore all outside forces. I'm still sad. I don't really know what to do, but I'm just disappointed I let it get this far.

I can't fake my emotions and I hate people seeing me vulnerable and upset. I guess that's all I should say.

I am

40% reality and 60% imagination
Every doze into day ponders my relation
to what I deem tangible and what I see as fact
I live to dream and dream to live, it's as simple as that.

Slowly creeping up to me is the non existent
Delusions and night terrors are things I fail to mention
Scaring me through my reality they co exist with my fears
The things I cannot bear, the things I cannot hear.

My eyes see a different story than what you tell me
Engineering outcomes constructed from my dreams
Building on what I've gathered on my impressions
And creating a life for you when you close your eyes, Inception.

It's difficult to go through a transition in your life let alone doing so with an emotionally vulnerable roommate. No matter how selfish people think I am, I always set my emotions aside to please others and make them happy. At the end of the day, I'm moody and I'll get over what's hurt my feelings, but when there is pain that involves someone else, I make it my priority to invest myself in helping to alleviate the issue.

Though it may bring me down and in turn, make me just as depressed, I really feel the pressure. It hurts. You may think I don't understand but I do. I will not allow my friend to mope around and think too much about things that are toxic. That isn't the way to deal with an issue. It gets difficult sometimes, I know that, but the thing is that you have to remain optimistic and not worry about things you can't control.

I was thinking on the bus yesterday. The world works in the most beautiful way. It's the only perfect thing to me. Every day, the earth delicately orbits around the sun, moving in such a manner that we never take time to realize. We take our world fore granted, never appreciating how hard our habitat works to establish order. As much as we abuse the world, it never ceases to stay aligned with it's goals. The sun rises and it sets and we wish that we had more time. We have more than enough time. More than enough time to get our lives in order and wish that things were better. But we hardly take time out to really sit and think about how wonderful being alive is in a perfect world.

Anyway, the point I'm getting at is that all these factors we add in our lives really distracts us from what is important and what really makes us feel alive. I feel that in today's society, we often feel bad more than happy. We don't put in enough effort to allow ourselves to be happy and appreciate what we have. Instead we focus on what makes us hurt the most and let that determine how our days go. Of course it is okay to feel pain and hurt, but when you let it take control of your happiness and your appreciativeness is when life can turn for the worst.

Sure, the issue is still there and it's going to stay there until the world figures it out. So let it figure it out and don't worry about how horrible it is. Because really, it isn't. Sadness is inevitable, but it is also temporary. Don't let it take control of you. Always know that you are living no matter what the results of the days go. The sun always rises and sets for you. Take time to really love and appreciate being alive.