Thoughts for Today

I miss him. Perhaps too much. I just wanted to write in down to lower my obsession. I miss his voice. It's so optimistic and it brings me absolute bliss.

He says to just enjoy the moment but it's difficult for me. I think too much. But I am definitely loving right now and I hope that things stay the way they are for a long time. It's going to be hard next year, but I will make it work. I hope.

My memory slips through my fingers slowly like grains of sand.
My thought process is steadily losing velocity,
barely remembering the moments I hold so dear.
I can't keep up,
the path laid in front of me is one I lose track of.
Selective amnesia may have something to do with this perhaps.
What is wrong with this picture?
I see it but I just can't grasp the meaning behind it.
So I keep it, only for it to be ignored and eventually forgotten in the depth of my mind
I decline to a downward spiral,
barely holding steady of mental heirlooms I hold so dear,
like finger paint projects from my kinder years.
I'm trying to see what fits, trying to see what works,
I cannot even remember what I'm worth.
Penniless and poor.
I'm not sure of what I held on to before.

Thoughts for Today

I spent five days with someone I can't tell anyone about. He is my secret. But I am so happy I want to scream it out loud to the entire world! I've been thinking of anyone I could tell it to, (I mean he told one of his friends) but no one comes to mind. I know they will judge and I know they'll feel uncomfortable about the entire ordeal. So I'll just keep it to myself I guess.

It upsets me though because he is such an amazing guy. Ugh, I always get involved in these situations. I feel like I'll never learn.

I am happy to be back home but right now, I'd rather be up there with him holding me in his arms and rocking me to sleep. I am a girl in love. I have nothing else to say.

Thoughts of the Day

I took you out of my life for a reason. Don't send me messages through facebook with hopes to re-connect. How tacky and inconsiderate. As if you expect me to reply graciously with open arms. I'm the happiest I've ever been since YOU left 4 years ago, which was probably the best thing you've ever done for me in my entire life. There is a reason I did not give you any of my contact information, so please, act as if you never had a daughter. Thanks.

I bought a 3 musketeer, but I am waiting to eat it after I pack all of my things and move my stuff. Talk about motivation. It's quite sad.

I really need to move this mini fridge to my apartment. I am gonna call a taxi to see if the driver can help me out.

Hopefully I get to see him tonight! That will make my day! :D

My tongue is twisted in a desperate plea,
begging the answers to questions that are lost in translation.
I don't understand how this turned into a battle with words!
My thoughts were tied up and thrown out of your ears.

A blunder, a mistake was all that this was.
Simple scotch tape can't fix this unrepairable damage.
I lost something special that I can never return or exchange.
Verbal apologies will never make you forget what I've already said.

My morals have been lost in the masses.

I can't finish... :(

A war is nothing but peace pent up inside of an angry man.
The refusal to let it out creates a monster that cares too much,
biting and clawing for the cause, he sees nothing but the end of the tunnel
destroying everything in his way for a better effect.
Unknown to him, he is hurting more than helping
and creating chaos instead of bringing beauty into this world.

Simple Creature/Complex Monster

We are simple creatures,

born into a world we’ll never understand.

curiosity is the ink,

that helps us write these questions

about living in a place we can't even begin to comprehend.

The small details that outline this paper of events to come

will only be but a burden in our desire to know the future.

Because what is happening now is already old news

and what’s happened in the past has been thrown to waste.


I am a complex monster,

stuck in the middle of my analysis of the world.

My fingers trace across this lifetime,

feeling for the ridges of the next sign,

hoping to find some sort of clue.

I am begging for the answer to life’s mathematical complexities,

so many variables come to play in this jungle gymnasium

and all I have in this equation is just me, no one else.

A single entity that will always figure things out on her own.


A simple mind in a complex world?

Or this simple earth with a complex girl?

That is the question....

Thoughts of the Day

I missed yesterday. Hopefully, I can make it up for today.

It seems like the more I want him, the more the days go slower. I just want to leave this hell hole of a place I work for. They frustrate me and make me unhappy. An unhappy Bree is not one to be toyed with.

I'm trying really hard not to press on subjects that are not my concern. I care, but I'm learning that it's up to the person to let me into their lives. It's a part of my non-judgement resolution I made last year and I am still sticking to it.

Things that mattered to me in my life don't matter to me anymore. The things I worried about have no meaning to me and therefore I stopped giving a shit.

I don't like being told "no" or "don't do this". I'm going to do it anyway, let me figure out things on my own and decide what's good for me.

I am also bossy and manipulative. These are flaws I can't deal with. I like things to go my way. I'll reason with you if I feel like it. My manipulative nature is something I am learning to control. -_-

I am having financial issues but that's always the way it is over the summer. This time I really need some help though. I've become used to living a posh lifestyle.

Back to working. Kill me.

Poemas

I'm not sure if I believe in God.
Not because I haven't seen Him,
But because I'm not certain if I am worthy just yet.
Who knows when it will happen,
Who knows when I will prove myself?
The hands that have created this world is what I have yet to understand.

They say to feel love, you must first feel pain.
But to what degree?
When will I feel that unsettling feeling that will leave me in constant tears?
And how will I escape from it?
I have been hurt before,
But I don't think it is enough.
I have felt more pleasure than agony,
So much that I have lost count of my blessings.

And I never wonder if this is God communicating with me,
Telling me that what I am doing are good deeds,
Because I am not the only one in this world who suffers from happiness.
Instead I question His motives,
I question His character,
But most of all, I question His choices,
Wondering if all the lucky coins in my jar on the shelf were meant for me.

------------

And when you find me breaking the sky in two,
know that I've always loved you.
Creating the colors the sunset brings
onto my canvas of a dream,
Fallen into my lap like a random leaf,
I now know you are the one for me.

Old Poems

Can she make up her mind?
She's indecisive in a world with the rings a dings
and the blinding light of her LED screen.
That phone attached to her hip
is also attached to her sticky fingers
which type informal English

It's so easy to not know what to say
And it's so hard to be politically correct nowadays.
She sits with her T9 at the ready,
Hoping that her phone will spell out something meaningful.
For her, she's figuring out the world that's literally in the palm of her hand,
But to him it's just a message he'll probably never reply to.

She waits for what seems like generations,
but won't text back for fear of being too needy
like the phones stuffed in the back pocket of every blue jeans dream.
If we live in such a high speed rapid motorola highway,
then why is it so difficult for her to just dial his number?

Because she's afraid of awkward hello's
that slur out of mouths slowly.
As if calling a person is forbidden
and spilling your feelings through speech is unnatural.
And finally after minutes of waiting, a new text message pops up on the screen
only to find out his one worded reply is simply 'hey'.

Just hey.

----------------------------

My pockets are filled with loose nickels and dimes
But I am still scrounging around for change.
It's never enough, I never have enough though my purse is filled with bus transfers
And a pen that wants to write down everything I am thinking but am too afraid to say.
See, I wish that you could see me
In my most desperate moment.
This is the part where I know where I'm going,
But I still feel lost.

I have decided to walk
Because I am poor, but also because I'd like to clear my mind.
I just want you to know that I am taking a step off the curb
And into the street where their eyes are watching me impatiently as I cross.
I have only 10 seconds left, I feel so rushed!
If only time slowed down
And flowed with the music I am listening to that is helping me with my anxiety.

And music is such a beautiful person.
I want to heal the world the way she has for me.
And I think I want to be a singer
Because I can kinda sing,
But with enough practice, I can become great!
And with enough confidence, I can sing better than Beyonce!

All I need is confidence.
To be a singer,
To cross the street,
And to utter these words I've been meaning to tell you for awhile...


I love you.

---------------------------

Thoughts of the Day

On the scale of life, I lean more towards happiness. Things occur in such an abrupt manner, I don't know what to think of it. I suppose that is how it happens. I try to be patient but I am realizing that I simply can't wait.

Action is synonymous with now at the age of nineteen. I feel more mature about decisions and I feel less regret. Maybe it's the fact that I don't care as much of what people think.

Rather than finish my last paper, I am going to pull an all nighter instead. I love living life on the edge.

I really want to color right now. I feel like too much of an adult and I don't like it. Don't get me wrong, but sometimes, I just need to go outside the lines of maturity.

My goal this month is to be stress free. These past two weeks have drained the life out of me. I want to pick up a new hobby and stay dedicated.

One of my friends recently came out. I always admire the ones who are courageous. For a really long time I've questioned my beliefs on sexuality and what I am fond of. It is only today that I've learned that it really doesn't matter. I can love anyone if I put my heart and soul into it.

I really want to go back to where I was yesterday. I felt peaceful there and nothing I stressed about mattered. As I stepped back into reality, it hit me hard and I instantly became a hermit crab, locked inside of my room as I had been before. I dislike that I am so attached.

I don't cry when I am sad. I cry when I am happy. I shed a few tears last night. :)

Phases keep me winded,
like the toy race car you found in your cereal box this morning.
A twist towards the left
and I am zooming past your cavity bowl of chocolatey goodness.

Phases are only temporary;
I think I can grab a hold of your attention by the collar,
I can steal your silent moments away,
and scream to disrupt your peaceful day thoughts.

Phases tell me when to leave.
Like the awkward glares towards an unwelcome guest
Their whispers are louder than red lipstick around wine glasses;
their intentions are spiteful and meant to cut deeply.

Phases, phases, phases.
I skip the details and deal with the inevitable.
It doesn't last forever
and somehow, that keeps me optimistic.

New blog. I get bored easily. So here we go!

Birds and bees swarm the old Betsy.
It's mating season and this is where they lay their home to rest.
The twigs and branches are just not enough to maintain
so the plastic grocery bags and bottle caps will suffice to sustain.

I live inside a box filled with things that don't matter.
This lifestyle isn't of any import,
I am just doing what I can to survive
a world that isn't even considered natural to me.
Simple invitations turn to complex expectations
and mandatory meetings that tell me who I am supposed to be.

We can all believe that we are unique and free
But that's only true if you're rich.
And not every one can be rich.
Because not every one can succeed.
But they tell us we can succeed.
Because giving us false hope is better than feeding us lies.
But they tell us not to lie
And we learn too late that life is full of contradictions.

So it isn't my fault if I feel like my life is screwed.
Because you're the one who insisted on optimism.
And I will continue to pass along your horrible advice to the next generation.
I will tell them things will get better and leave them to suffer on their own.
I'll let them realize that life is just as worse as you believe it is now.